Re-Marriage After Divorce
If you know me, you know that I have previously been married, divorced and re-married. If you didn’t know, well…now you do. By God’s grace, I am happily married for almost 16 years now. My first marriage ended in divorce prior to me becoming a believer, and I re-married after becoming a believer. There is a lot more to the story. I was 100% the bad-actor in the equation, but by God’s amazing grace, I am saved and changed forever by him. A helpful resource that I was pointed to in making the decision to re-marry was Jay Adams’ book Marriage, Divorce and Re-Marriage in the Bible: A Fresh Look at What Scripture Teaches. I highly recommend this book as there are many complex scenarios to work through and I think it is important that we work to honour God with our decisions when considering re-marriage.
Re-marriage after divorce is a journey that requires wisdom, grace, and a deep dependence on the Lord. Navigating this path involves addressing past wounds, understanding biblical grounds for remarriage, taking things slowly, and embracing the complexities of blended family dynamics (if applicable). As we explore these topics, we’ll anchor ourselves in God’s Word and draw from the insights of the biblical counseling community.
1. Taking Time to Heal from the Past
Divorce leaves a deep impact, often resulting in emotional, spiritual, and relational wounds. Before entering into a new marriage, it’s essential to take time to heal and seek God’s restoration. Scripture reminds us of God’s promise to mend the brokenhearted:
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Healing involves processing the pain, forgiving past offences, and addressing any unresolved sin or bitterness. Leslie Vernick, author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It says,
“Psalm 147:3 describes God as one who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. In faith, we can believe that God cares about our emotional and spiritual wounds. 1 Peter 2:24 assures us that His death is the remedy to heal the sin in the world. Although it has affected you greatly, you don't have to carry the weight of (your past sin , or your) spouse's sin. Jesus has already done that work….Ignoring or quieting a pain that is meant to warn you is not wise. Please tend to your wounds; get support from someone who can help you move through the pain.”
Without this intentional healing process, the wounds of the past can spill over into a new relationship, creating further challenges. This means, abiding Jesus, processing past hurt with him and finding help from brothers and sisters in Christ who are equipped to walk with you in that process.
2. Biblical Grounds for Re-Marriage
It is important to note that there are varying positions on whether or not a person is biblically permitted to re-marry after divorce, even if the divorce is biblical. There are churches who take a permanence view of marriage where, regardless of the exceptions stated below, divorce and re-marriage can never be supported because of the covenantal sanctity of marriage. I believe this to be an ideal, but as a biblical counselor, and knowing the incredible pain that both adultery and abandonment of which I see domestic abuse as part of, God’s mandate to us to protect the weak. (Psalm 82:3-40; Isaiah 1:17). In my opinion, churches are free to hold a permanence view, but they are also responsible to protect their flock from the destruction that comes from abuse and adultery.
Understanding the biblical grounds for remarriage is critical. Ss you can see, it is a complex issue that requires seeking wisdom and prayer. The Bible acknowledges two primary situations where remarriage may be permissible:
• Adultery: Jesus teaches that sexual immorality may provide grounds for divorce and remarriage:
“And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9, ESV)
• Abandonment by an Unbelieving Spouse: The Apostle Paul speaks to situations where an unbelieving spouse leaves the marriage:
“But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” (1 Corinthians 7:15, ESV)
Each situation must be carefully examined with pastoral guidance to ensure a wise approach with God’s Word. As Jay Adams reminds us, “God’s design for marriage is lifelong, and remarriage must be entered into with reverence for His purposes.”
This may not be easy for you to read at this moment. You may be looking at your situation and saying, “but my divorce doesn’t fall in those categories.” Or maybe, you have already re-married and find yourself at odds with Scripture. This is where I invite you to seek wise counsel. We must remember that, God is a god of grace and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. That doesn’t mean there aren’t hard realities you must face, or even a process of repentance you must undergo, but your pastor and/or biblical counselor should be equipped to help you navigate this complex issue and help you see the tender heart of Jesus in your situation.
3. The Importance of Taking Things Slow
Assuming you are biblically able to re-marry, rushing into a new marriage can lead to unmet expectations and unaddressed conflicts. Proverbs provides wisdom about moving forward with caution:
“The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.”
Taking time allows for:
• Spiritual Growth: Developing a closer walk with the Lord ensures that He remains the foundation of your new relationship.
• Trust Building: Relationships take time to deepen and solidify, especially in the context of a new marriage.
• Seeking Wise Counsel: Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” Involve mature believers, pastors, and biblical counselors in your journey.
4. Navigating Blended Family Dynamics
When I re-married, I already had a blended family (as I said, there is a lot more to my story), and in my new marriage, we decided to have another child. We had a vision for what that looked like, and I can confess we made some fairly big errors. Many new Christians re-marry and have ideals like, “This marriage is going to be far better than our previous marriages.” I sure hope so, but when we communicate that in front of our children, they can hear, “ Something is wrong about what you desperately long to have restored.” Children don’t see things the way we do. Children of divorce need time for healing and help making sense of a radical change in their lives, just like you do. I know you want to get on with your new life and celebrate, but remember that your children need help joining you in that.
Blended families bring unique joys and challenges. One of the greatest challenges is establishing unity while honouring the different backgrounds and experiences of each family member. Ephesians 4:2-3 offers guidance:
“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
Practical steps for navigating blended family dynamics include:
• Setting Realistic Expectations: Bonding takes time, especially for children adjusting to new family roles. I am trained Smart Stepfamily biblical counselor and I can help you navigate these new and complex relationships wisely.
• Prioritizing Marriage: A strong marital relationship sets the tone for the entire family. Invest in your spouse while modeling Christ-like love and unity. You cannot parent well if you are not in this together.
• Communicating Openly: Encourage open conversations where all family members feel heard and valued. This may include family group counseling and care.
Ron Deal, author of The Smart Stepfamily, emphasizes the importance of patience:
“Blending a family is a slow cooker process, not a microwave event.”
Take your time, be patient, trust in the Lord for your marriage.
5. Trusting God in the Process
Re-marriage after divorce is not a path to be taken lightly, but with God’s grace, it can be a journey of redemption and renewal. Psalm 37:5 reminds us:
“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.”
My wife and I were blessed to have wise counsel around us when we made the decision to re-marry. When approached with humility, wisdom, and a commitment to God’s principles, remarriage can reflect the beauty of God’s restorative work.
Final Thoughts
Re-marriage after divorce is a deeply personal and complex decision that must be grounded in God’s truth and guided by His Spirit. Healing, understanding biblical grounds, taking things slow, and embracing the challenges of blended families all require dependence on the Lord. Remember, God is a God of second chances, and His grace is sufficient to redeem and restore what was broken.
For those considering remarriage, seek counsel from, your pastor, other mature believers (or even consult with us) and remain rooted in prayer. As you move forward, trust in God’s sovereignty and His plan for your life, knowing that He works all things together for good (Romans 8:28).